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Egos, Sandboxes, and the Art of Playing Well with Others
View Original Article →With permission from Kristen, we are sharing this excellent and informative blog post from the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts. If you’re preparing for divorce settlement negotiations with your ex, this article is a must-read!
Table of Contents
The Sandbox Test
Remember kindergarten?
The teacher would set out a big box of sand, a few shovels, and maybe a couple of dump trucks. At first, it was pure magic—everyone digging, building castles, making roads. But it only took one kid who had to have the “best” shovel or insisted their castle was the only one worth building to turn the sandbox into a war zone.
Fast forward to adulthood and not much has changed. Only now, the sandbox might be a courtroom, a conference room, or the negotiation table in your divorce. And when ego takes over, the results are just as messy—only this time the fallout costs more than a timeout.
When Ego Shows Up in the Sand
Ego isn’t confidence—it’s the voice in your head that says, I’m willing to win at the expense of achieving the best outcome. It shows up when someone:
- Refuses to compromise because they “know” they’re right.
- Dismisses good ideas simply because they didn’t come up with them.
- Makes decisions based on proving a point instead of solving the problem.
In divorce, this can look like:
- Fighting over assets that aren’t worth the legal fees.
- Arguing out of spite rather than focusing on fair, workable solutions.
- Refusing to consider a settlement just because the other person suggested it.
The Cost of Not Playing Nice
When ego runs the sandbox, no one wins.
- Progress slows: Negotiations drag, deadlines pass, and costs pile up.
- Relationships break: No one wants to play with you.
- Opportunities disappear: Creative solutions get buried under stubbornness.
And here’s the kicker—what’s lost isn’t just money or time. It’s trust, dignity, and the chance to move forward with less stress and better outcomes.
Building Together Instead of Tearing Down
The best sandbox builders in life share a few habits:
- Listen first: They take in what others are saying before they respond.
- Focus on the goal: They care more about building the castle than “winning” the shovel.
- Know when to let go: Sometimes the best move is to step back, breathe, and listen to the advice of others.
In Divorce, This Can Mean…
- Choosing mediation or collaborative divorce over scorched-earth litigation.
- Letting your CDFA® or attorney help you weigh the cost vs. benefit of each battle.
- Asking yourself, Does this decision move me toward resolution, or is it just about proving a point?
Ego is a Sandstorm
Left unchecked, ego can blow through and wipe out months of careful progress. But when everyone keeps their focus on the shared goal—building something stable for the future—the sandbox becomes a place of possibility again.
Going through a divorce and worried ego might take the wheel—yours or someone else’s?
Let’s talk strategy before the sand starts flying. Schedule a consultation with a CDFA® to get a clear, calm plan forward.
Want even more great advice on how to manage your divorce proactively and effectively? Head over to the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts to check out all the great articles on the IDFA blog.
Kristen Shearing joined the IDFA in 2024 as a Subject Matter Expert, bringing a wealth of experience in family law and divorce financial analysis. A licensed attorney in North Carolina, she is also a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), a Certified Mediator, and has completed training as a Certified Valuation Analyst and in Collaborative Law.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Abby Sagasser, IMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist at Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy (ICFT) in Dublin, Ohio. She specializes in ADHD assessment and treatment for children, adolescents, and families. Abby is passionate about helping families understand and support their children's unique needs.
ICFT Counselor Perspective
Effective communication and collaboration play a central role in navigating the emotional and practical complexities of divorce. This article uses the metaphor of a sandbox to explore how ego, the drive to “win” or prove oneself right, can interfere with productive negotiation and resolution. When ego dominates, progress stalls, costs escalate, and relational ruptures can deepen. By contrast, approaching the process with curiosity, perspective, and a focus on shared goals fosters more adaptive outcomes. I find this piece particularly helpful as it illustrates how seemingly minor shifts, listening first, considering others’ input, and weighing cost versus emotional toll, can significantly impact not just the legal and financial trajectory of a divorce but the psychological well-being of everyone involved! In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I often see divorce surface these deeply rooted emotional patterns, including responses driven by ego and defensiveness. When that happens, it can feel overwhelming and discouraging, but please remember, these reactions are very human. If you are feeling stuck, therapy can provide a reflective space to better understand these patterns, slow down reactivity, and move through the process with greater clarity and intention.
- Abby Sagasser, MA, IMFT